January 2017: time for healing

/ By Carmela| Daily Journal

​Over Christmas, we received the best news any new couple would love to hear. We were 6 weeks pregnant! 

I was surprised and shocked wondering if we were ready for this, we weren’t planning it. Then once it sunk, what a beautiful Christmas gift to share with our families.
I would spend my days online looking for the best books to read, reading about the week by week developments of our future baby and looking at cute nursery ideas.
The day after we were discussing potential baby names, we received news that expecting parents never want to hear. At 9 weeks there was no heartbeat, it probably stopped just a few days before my first pre-natal visit. My doctor explained that this usually happens during the first trimester when there’s a chromosomal defect with the fetus and that my body detected it before it was too late.

Being our first pregnancy, I was numb and spent two days in bed wondering what happened, why it happened and wondering if it was a mistake. Maybe there was hope because I still have all the pregnancy symptoms.
So I went to get another ultrasound to be really sure. When the same results came back. I didn’t know what to do. What did this mean?
Next was the blaming game, what if I took it easy during the Christmas season and not worked so hard with Casa San Luis. It was so easy to blame myself since I was the one carrying our future baby. Did I eat something I shouldn’t have? I was taking my pre-natal vitamins, I was careful but wait did I forget something? Did I push myself too hard at the gym? It was so easy to wonder about the what ifs during this time spent alone. Then I started wondering why is it that I’m the only one this happened to, am I that odd one out? Will I ever be able to get pregnant again?
I spent hours on Google asking my questions then I ended up on parent forums reading stories of women who had the same questions I had. That’s when I realized it wasn’t my fault it happens to 1 out of 7 women.

Today I have learnt to accept the situation we are in. The hardest part is waking up everyday wondering if this is the day I will start to bleed and miscarry. Every cramp or feeling in my belly I interpret as the sign that today’s the day. It can happen later today, tomorrow, next week or even in a month. It has been a week since our visit to the doctor and I still feel nauseous, I’m still sore and always tired. This is probably the hardest part, the waiting and not having closure right away.

Not sure why I’m writing my story, maybe because I hope it’ll reach someone to whom this has happened to and to let them know that they are NOT ALONE.

I am so grateful to my family and friends being my support group and listening to me and being a shoulder to cry on. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. And Merci merci to my love for being my rock during this hard time. Je t’aime.

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